Never Faithful

rrgirl commented in Ever Faithful:

this news item has been like bumping a tender old scar. decades on, I’ve nearly forgotten its source. I’ve learned to ignore the numbness on the surface, and it’s faded into my complexion so that no one ever calls attention to it. but when I trace a finger tip over it, the deep twinges remind me of the moments and days when the wound was fresh. if I don’t distract myself I go back through those times, into the old wound.
I left a husband shortly after he advised me to see a doctor when he feared he might have passed an STD to me. he admitted he went to whores. he was contrite if panicked, and promised never again.
what about that marriage vow? wasn’t that a promise, too? did “for better or worse” entitle one of us to act like an asshole “till death do us part?” I was in no hurry to forgive, and he wasn’t patient while I considered my options. there were many hellish days.
he and I were lucky the STD scare was a false alarm. he married again. if I was her mother, I’d be worried. he’s most of a continent away, but I’d settle for six feet.
a lot of time has passed. a lot of good has happened, and a lot of other hard times have come and gone. I’ve never wept before or since like I did then.
I see the point about infidelity being in our nature. I understood it then, but the idea didn’t offer much comfort when I expected better. why promise what you can’t deliver? if the vows a lot of us take are unrealistic, why lie? maybe the things we need to forgive in each other should be a part of those public declarations. intimacy based on honesty. what a concept. who raises their children that way?

Gosh.

Sincere apologies for reminding you of so much pain. I appreciate your heartfelt comment and hope that in sharing it you come a little closer to resolution. Although when the heart is involved perhaps “resolution” is the wrong word. “Understanding” might be better. In expressing your feelings you’ve given us some good things to think about.

My flippant sports-themed post came from out-of-the-blue, as do most of my ideas. I looked at the Spitzer case as Spitzer’s case (i.e., his and his alone) and really didn’t consider the broader topic of fidelity. But your comment is a reminder that such things don’t just happen to politicians.

Is no one safe from infidelity? From that Times article, I suppose not. But just because it is “natural,” does that make it OK? Not to me. And even if you intellectually accept the concept of infidelity existing throughout nature this doesn’t do anything for you when you find out that you’ve been cheated on. And it’s one thing to be cheated on by a boyfriend or girlfriend, but to be cheated on by a spouse? I cannot conceive of how that might feel.

I sometimes wonder why certain people get married when they cannot remain faithful. I suppose some enter into marriage and later find that they can’t resist temptation. But other people can’t deal with commitment, but they get married anyway. Politicians have to maintain an image; “family man” looks good in the campaign literature. But when Alex Rodriguez was photographed going to a strip club in Toronto with a woman who happened to not be his wife I wondered “Why is he married?” It’s not like he has to fulfill the same kind of image expected of a governor or a president. The bachelor-athlete who plays the field (and especially if he does so with supermodels and actresses) is celebrated, particularly by fans who like to live vicariously through their heroes. (I think this is another reason why the idea of a successful gay athlete is anathema to the mostly straight, mostly male fan base. Straight guys don’t want to live vicariously through a gay guy.)

Since infidelity is natural do some people give themselves a pass to cheat? If it’s “human nature” can you just blame your genes? A friend’s father was an alcoholic and, believing in a genetic link in alcoholism, my friend prevents himself from going down that road by not drinking. That’s a pro-active way of handling a potential problem. Most people don’t battle infidelity in this way, except maybe Doug Christie. Cutting off contact with all members of the opposite sex is not a viable option for most.

“I see the point about infidelity being in our nature. I understood it then, but the idea didn’t offer much comfort when I expected better.” Still, expecting better is the best way to go. Sure, it sets you up for disappointment, but I think it’s better to be hopeful rather than suspicious and cynical.

As regards morals, this doesn’t quite cover all the bases, but it’s a good place to start:

Never lie, never cheat, never steal.
Don’t whine, don’t complain, don’t make excuses.
Just do the best you can.

This, too:

Life wouldn’t be so hard, except that we tend to make it more complicated than it has to be.