Do I Hear What I Hear?

I’ve always thought that was the perfect response for those moments when someone has to explain why he or she said (or did) something stupid or insensitive.

They might not even be sorry for what they said or did, but public outcry forces them to do a “My Bad” and utter one of Keith Olbermann’s favorites, the Non-Apology Apology:

“If I offended anyone, I am sorry.”

Do you remember the Newhart episode where Dick makes Stephanie apologize to George for hurting his feelings? (She may have done this on more than one episode; she was mean to just about everyone on the show, and George was so sweet and helpless.) In the most insincere of tones, she says “I’m sorry” and follows it with a singsongy “Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry.”

I think of that whenever I hear someone do the Non-Apology Apology.

At other times, after a person says or does something really dumb or offensive, I am reminded of a great scene in Annie Hall. (YouTube is failing me here: I can find neither a video of Stephanie apologizing to George, nor can I find the right “Annie Hall” clip. I might have to learn how to upload videos so I can illustrate all my Obscure Cultural References.) Alvy’s father’s friend Joey Nichols tries to get the boy to remember his name:

JOEY:
Joey Nichols. (Laughing) See. Nichols. See, Nichols! (Joey shows young Alvy his cuff links and a tie pin, which are made from nickels, as Alvy stands with hands on hips, unconcerned. Joey then slaps his hand to his forehead and puts a nickel on his forehead) Yuh see, nickels! You can always remember my name, just think of Joey Five Cents. (Laughing) That’s me. Joey Five Cents!
(Joey grabs Alvy’s cheeks and pinches them.)

YOUNG ALVY:
(Turning away) What an asshole!

These Snappy Retorts to Stupid Statements (if you’re up on your Obscure Cultural References you know that line is stolen from Mad Magazine) have popped into my head quite frequently lately. There have been so many dumb things said over the past few weeks; it’s been hard to keep track of them all. I can’t believe what I hear sometimes:

Senator Joseph Biden – Geez, dude. Why don’t you just come out and say “Some of my best friends are Negroes”?

Nick Saban – Kind of makes you wonder how Saban refers to Tennesse Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow.

Michael Richards – And his mea culpa just ruined DP’s appearance on Letterman. What an asshole ….

LeBron James says it’s a matter of trust:

(I’d never heard of Scenes of a Sexual Nature, but it sounds interesting.)

I’m putting King James’ remarks in the “Say What?” category, meaning that I won’t condemn him for what he said (and I’ve only read his remarks and not seen nor heard a video or audio clip — the way a person says something is important in determining the full meaning of his/her comments), but I find them quite unenlightened and bordering on the dumb. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, although he could be equivocating. It’s one of those things that goes onto the Mental Scorecard.

Someone said this:

I don’t get too awfully offended when people make what I think are stupid statements. I generally cut people a lot of slack. Still, I can’t help but keep a mental scorecard. After too many stupid statements or stupid acts that person loses credibility.

Hey, that was me!