New ESPN Theme Song

Given that ESPN is a total guy thing. And adding to the small collection of politically incorrect songs we’ve hit upon here and here.

(Chimeric video: My Fair Lady meets Hogwarts.)

A Hymn to Him

HIGGINS
What in all of heaven could’ve promted her to go,
After such a triumph at the ball?
What could’ve depressed her;
What could’ve possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

[To Pickering]
Pickering, why can’t a woman be more like a man?

PICKERING
Hmm?

HIGGINS
Yes…
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can’t a woman be like that?

Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?

Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?

PICKERING
Of course not!

HIGGINS
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

PICKERING
Nonsense.

HIGGINS
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

PICKERING
Never.

HIGGINS
Well, why can’t a woman be like you?

One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!

Why can’t a woman take after like a man?
Cause men are so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

PICKERING
Of course not!

HIGGINS
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

PICKERING
Nonsense.

HIGGINS
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

PICKERING
Never.

HIGGINS
Well, why can’t a woman be like us?

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?

Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?

Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?

No More Vacations for Dan Patrick. And Don’t Get Sick, Either.

orinenglish on Dan! Come back! Come back, Dan!:

The one person who’s just insufferable as a DP substitute: Erik Kuselias! So sexist as to be completely unlistenable. The other day when DP was out sick, he was going on and on about how there are TV shows you HAVE to watch in order to be part of mainstream America because otherwise you will have nothing to talk to other people about and will be completely outside the cultural loop, TV shows that you don’t like but will watch with your wife or girlfriend for the sake of the relationship (i.e. “chick shows”), and TV shows that are just too bad to watch. He said he used to think American Idol was the last kind but that it had grown to the point where you now have to watch it to fit into American society.
Sigh.

Yeah, whenever I hear Kuselias’ voice come on at the start of the show I:

1. cringe, and
2. know that KO won’t be on.

I’m a sports nut so I like ESPN a lot. I only started listening to ESPN Radio about a year ago after I found The Dan Patrick Show while channel surfing on the car radio. His show is my favorite; that Olbermann guy who comes on for an hour each day is just icing on the cake. And when the Dalai Lama joins them on Thursdays he’s the scoop of ice cream, creating The Big Show a la Mode.

In addition to getting my sports fix on ESPN Radio I’ve also found it to be a window onto foreign territory.

The XY Group.

Men.

Some of the things they talk about are so bizarre that I have to stop what I’m doing to scrape my jaw up off the floor. I listen, and I still don’t believe what I’m hearing.

I believe it was after Tyler Brayton was tossed from a game for kneeing Jerramy Stevens in the groin that a long, rather contemplative discussion occurred during Colin Cowherd’s show on what is worse: To get spat upon or to get kneed in the groin. Quite a few listeners (men, of course) called or emailed the show to weigh in on the matter. Definitely an issue that most if not all women do not think about. (For the record, the consensus was that getting spat upon was far worse than getting kneed, an issue that was revisited after Terrell Owens hocked a loogie on DeAngelo Hall in SpitGate.)

Kuselias’ advice on television viewing, the male-female dynamic, and cultural literacy was indeed quite preachy. Every relationship takes compromise, but tv viewing is not an area where I’ve ever felt the need to draw up a détente accord. I guess it helps that we don’t watch a whole lot of tv, plus in general I don’t care for chick shows. And although I’m interested in pop culture I don’t need to watch “American Idol.” Pretty much all I’ve seen of it is when I’ve cruised by during channel surfing. I’m just not interested in it. If you like it, that’s swell with me. But don’t tell me I have to watch it. It’s one of those cultural phenomena that is so pervasive that one can’t avoid hearing about it. (It’s like Barry Bonds; people who don’t follow baseball know about him simply because he’s been in the news so much. Those who watch “Countdown” for political news probably throw things at their tv sets when KO starts Talkin’ Baseball.) But if Kuselias thinks I don’t fit into American society because I don’t watch every episode, well that’s his slice of American society. My slice is doing just fine. So maybe I’m not in mainstream America. What’s so great about being in mainstream America?

Not knowing what’s happening on “American Idol” is not going to leave a hole in my life.

However, if the Mets can’t find three solid pitchers to fill out their rotation: THAT will leave a hole in my life.