God emails Olbermann

Mr. Olbermann,

You knew this would happen. I have tried over and over to get you to see that those cute, sweet, young things present special hazards to men like you. But do you listen?

NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

Mister Know-It-All Smartypants thinks they like him for himself. His looks, intelligence, wit, charm, nice suits, the fact that he knows Dan Patrick, yada, yada, yada, et cetera, et cetera, and so forth.

Keith, Keith, Keith …

Wake up and smell the popcorn at Yankee Stadium.

Many of those sweet young things are looking only for attention. (Young people are like that; they feel the world revolves around them. And that they are all gifted and talented.) Or, worse, they seek a father-figure. And while you’re no J. Howard Marshall and she’s no Anna Nicole Smith , you know the young ones are always hoping for a Prince Charming/Sugar Daddy to make all things right for them.

Two words, babe: Prenuptial agreement

Or, more apropos for you: disclosure statement.

Which brings Me to the real reason for this email:

Since the moment of your birth you have worn out a total of twenty-nine (29) Guardian Angels that We assigned to you. That is a rate of 1.62 Angels per year. We in Heaven can no longer afford to provide a Guardian Angel to you free of charge. From now on We will require payment (in advance) before assigning an Angel to you. You are, of course, free to go through life without a Guardian Angel. But frankly, My son, given your past history with women, boarding subway cars, and employment, I strongly advise you to retain a Guardian Angel. (Just a little friendly advice from The Supreme Being.)

Please remember that Our Guardian Angels are fully certified and come with a one-year warranty. Batteries not included. Close cover before striking. This warranty gives you specific legal rights and you may also have other rights, which may vary from state to state.

We accept all major credit cards, PayPal, and cash (Euros, US dollars, and yen only — don’t try to slip any of those worthless rubles off on us).

We look forward to hearing from you.

A last point, in answer to the question you asked yourself last night (yes, I do hear EVERYTHING):

It certainly is a contradiction for someone to state that bad karma has befallen her and then turn around and commit bad acts herself, i.e., produce more bad karma. (Women! It’s those two X chromosomes. It makes them crazy.) But I must admit, sir, that I am not really up on the concept of karma. I have thus referred your question to the Buddha for his analysis and input. I am CC’ing him on this email, so don’t be surprised if he or a bodhisattva gets back to you in the next couple of days. (You do understand Pali and Sanskrit, don’t you?)

As for the Christian interpretation: The act in question is clearly a violation of the 9th Commandment, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” There is also the matter of Deadly Sins, particularly those of Pride and Anger . This is not the first nor will it ever be the last time a maiden has had her heart broken and struck out in an emotional way. I will have her Guardian Angel check in on her. Hopefully she will overcome her grief and remember her place in Humanity, as well as one of my favorite sayings “Live and Learn.” If need be, the Angel has My authorization to delete her email and blog accounts. If this does not work, Mother Nature will create a thunderstorm and have a bolt of lightning fry the young woman’s computer hardware and Internet connection. This would at least put a temporary stop to — as that little rascal Stewie likes to say — her “soiling herself.” I am aware that more time may be needed to save her. Don’t worry. I am on the case.

I hope our future communications will be on more light-hearted matters. Here is a little something for you to try in order to understand yourself better: Sin Test: Are you guilty of The Sin of Lust? I know you are trying to become a better person. I appreciate your effort. Stop thinking of it in Sisyphean terms. Don’t give up.

Best,

God
aka: Supreme Being, Head Honcho, Big Cheese

PS: No, there is nothing I can do to help the Yankees get into the World Series.

PPS: Why don’t you ever use the ideas I send in for “Oddball”?